Dear Journal: I didn't sleep well at all last night. I went to our room around 9 p.m. to do some reading. When I finally turned out the light, my mind started whirling, and I couldn't stop thinking what-ifs about the boys' health. I decided to read some more and finally drifted off to sleep early in the morning.

Yuri had already cooked our breakfast by the time we were dressed. I swear if he weren't married I would bring him home to the States with me. It was another cold, gray day, and all I could think about was escaping to a tropical beach to rest under an umbrella. I know that sounds strange, but the enormity of what I have done is very scary and part of me desperately wants to retreat to a safe haven.

We arrived at the orphanage and greeted the boys while Yuri left to make phone calls. Sergei seemed to recognize us, but Nicki was just happy to play and have some attention. An Italian couple was there with their new son, who looked to be about three-years-old. The boys seemed very happy; I kept looking at Nicki to make sure I didn't see any symptoms of FAS. I am starting to look at them differently now, not just as orphans, but also as my children. I'm still very nervous about my decision to adopt the boys. What will happen if it turns out Nicki has FAS? I will already have adopted him by then. Sergei, on the other hand, is so sweet and quiet. He will sit on my lap and play with a toy for the longest time. Soon afterwards, Yuri came back into the room and said he had made an appointment for us to meet, Sonia, the inspector, at noon . He needed to have her write the letter in which I will state that I am rejecting Tamara for adoption. He told me he may be able to get it signed this weekend but it would cost $200.

We met Sonia at her office, which was very small and sparsely furnished. Sonia is in her mid-to-late 30s with short blond hair. She and Yuri spoke a while before she turned on her computer, typed up a letter and printed it. Yuri then asked me to handwrite a letter stating that I didn't want to adopt Tamara. I wrote that I believed she had FAS. He then translated the letter into Russian and told us to go downstairs and wait for him. Yuri said afterwards that Sonia acted surprised when he handed her the $200, although she quickly took it from him and put it in her purse. He also said that Sonia would try to get the administrator to sign the letter tomorrow so he could travel back to the NAC in Kiev . Such bureaucracy.

We went to several shops to buy more food after our meeting with Sonia. Yuri had promised to make borsht for us, so we went from market to market, buying all the ingredients: pork, carrots, garlic and beets. The only thing we couldn't find was sour cream. I couldn't believe how barren the shop shelves were in this town. The clerks in the shop used an abacus, something I haven't seen in years, to calculate the total cost of our groceries.

Ina's daughter and her husband were at the flat when we returned. I was not in the mood to chat, so I picked up my book and went into the bedroom. I really wanted to be alone and collect my thoughts. This whole process seems so surreal. I still can't believe I'm going to be the mother of two little boys. I have no idea what Sergei and Nicki are really like. All I know is what I've gathered in the few hours from seeing them in the orphanage.

The TV was on all day, and it was hard to escape the loud noise. The Russian game and variety shows are the worst. Donna suggested we play cards, so the three of us cracked open a new deck and we played gin rummy. Then Yuri decided that he couldn't make the borsht without the sour cream, so we decided to return to the little café in the town square for dinner.

Back at Ina's, I tried to stay interested in the TV shows but couldn't deal with it, so I went back to our bedroom to read my book. I was grateful we had something to read. I needed something to keep my mind off the day's events. I kept thinking about all the adoption stories I had read where people immediately say, “This is my child” moments after meeting him or her for the first time. I am still waiting to feel that bond and am starting to second-guess myself. I pray I am doing the right thing.

Yuri told us about an Amish couple he had worked with who first agreed to adopt a six-year-old girl and her two-and-a-half-year-old brother. Then they changed their minds and opted for a seven-year-old boy. They changed their minds again without explaining why. Victor was able to convince the couple to adopt the seven-year-old. Yuri said he had written several letters to that couple but never received any response. I don't want to change my mind. I hope I will feel better about the boys after a good night's sleep.